© 2019 Ryan Kriger
It is a universal truth, doubted by no one, that Shih Tzus are just the worst creatures in existence.
I did not say the worst dog. I said the worst creature. The worst compilation of living matter, of all living matter, is the Shih Tzu. To those of you who would say, "But what of the vicious honey badger? The pestilence-carrying mosquito? The wily yersinia pestis, the bacterium responsible for the bubonic plague?" I reply, these are pikers, also-rans in the global race for most terrible thing set upon this green Earth by a distant and uncaring God.
The reasons are too numerous to list and, for the most part, obvious. But here are my personal top three:
1. Shih Tzus Think They're Better Than You
Have you ever tried to talk to a Shih Tzu? I mean really tried? Beyond the initial pleasantries, the "Good dog," the "Ooh aren't you a cutie!" the "Who's a little rugamufflkins!" Once you get past the superficial, and really start to get to know a Shih Tzu, you'll notice something in the way it glances at you sidelong. You know what that look is?
Shih Tzu's are the single most arrogant, self-absorbed, pompous and egomaniacal critter out there. They are even more cocky than salamanders. And everyone knows what salamanders are like. Snotty bastards.
2. Shih Tzus are Angry Drunks
Who hasn't been there. It's Friday night, you've had a long week. All you want to do is go to your favorite bar, meet up with some friends, have a few drinks, and relax.
But who happens to be there, sitting at the end of the bar, working on his fifth Miller Lite (and why is it that Shih Tzus all drink Miller Lite?) And he's looking around, and just looking for an excuse to start something. So you give him a wide berth, because you know how this story goes, and you say quietly to your buddy, "Why do they even let him in here after what happened last week?" But you forgot that Shih Tzu's have great hearing. And next thing you knew you've got this foot-tall miscreant growling and yapping at you, getting in your face, trying to start something, calling you every homophobic slur in the book. And all you wanted to do was unwind from the week.
3. Shih Tzus are Notorious Anti-Semites
This one goes doesn't need explanation. What do The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, Holocaust denial, and the Aryan Nation have in common?
That's right: Shih Tzus.
I know this all won't be popular in some quarters. There are a lot of Shih Tzu apologists out there. But the only way to combat the creeping malevolence that is the Shih Tzu is by honestly and forthrightly calling them on their terrible behavior.
I've done my part today. Will you?